[	Tags	|	entry, private	]
[	mood	|	contemplative	]

Why do I feel the sudden need to pick myself apart physically? I swear the last few days when I look in the mirror, I'm not entirely sure I'm content with my appearance. This is odd behavior on my part but it's there and the only thing that I can really appreciate is the fact that I'm in great shape. Maybe it's just because I'm starting to feel old. Thirty isn't really old but I can see the slight differences in myself through my reflection. I always have people telling me I'm beautiful so what the hell is my problem? Maybe I need some sort of change.

I bought more conservative attire while in Miami but it's so not me. I feel like Dean just looking at myself in these clothes. I'm always about the grunge look and this preppy look just isn't working. I wanted to at least look more appropriate when I start work but fuck, I can't do this. It's a slight change but it makes me feel not like myself and that's not something I want to feel. Ah well, grunge it is, though I'm still searching for what needs to change. Of course, people would tell me nothing needs to change but I will argue about it until I'm blue in the face. Or not, no one besides Manning knows I'm feeling like this. Maybe this is the start of a mid-life crisis? I thought that started later on. Who knows.

Lexxy and I went shopping for things to get the nursery set up in my Nana's house on Saturday. I'm still kinda absorbing this pregnancy thing, probably because I never thought it would happen. Never in a million years did I actually believe I'd be a father again. A day's experience of one just gave me a taste of fatherhood, even though the circumstances led to tragedy, and it's thrived ever since. I'm excited, more than I thought I could possibly be over anything. I still haven't announced this news, it's not really anyone's business anyway. I'm just not ready for people to know for a few reasons, not because I'm not proud. I can't wait though. It feels like forever away and part of me is impatient but part of me is also reminding myself that my life will be so much different when the baby is here and I should enjoy my life as it is until then.

So that seems like the best thing to do. Life is pretty good. I can't even complain. I'm finally starting to feel like my life is stable and I'll be starting work soon and now I have a family to take care of. I've had a lot of responsibility thrown into my lap and I'm actually quite pleased with it, though there are a few vices of mine that I need to get under control. But, responsibility gives me something to live for, honestly, and Lexxy is great. I love and adore her. She really has managed to put a smile on my face. I owe her for so much but the best thing I've given her and will continue to is my love. Love really does make the world go around, I truly believe that.